Bad Photos 3: The Search for Spock

...four nooses hanging, three neighbors cheering, two gay sons swaying, one group rate funeral...

So the recession's over, huh Barack?

Yeah, that's what we need. These two spawning another generation of roll-play (not the fun kind) enthusiasts.

.

Closet Dad is teaching his sons early the art of riding pole.

Their greatest trick? Three generations spawned without ever knowing a woman's touch.





Looks like the worst sketch comedy group ever. These guys would make The Groundlings seem funny.

 

Minimalist piece entitled: "I hate this bitch (in repose)." 

Where the hell are the Velociraptors when you really need them?

I bet this photo was his idea. I also bet he does the cooking.

A little ass play on Wedding Night is fine, but Ted here's jumping the gun significantly.

Elton John walked by a moment later and called this guy a fag.

Hollywood again out to destroy Matheson's work

Hugh Jackman in the upcoming Real Steel

  

    Hollywood is once again looking to bastardize the work of one of the genius Authors of the 20th Century, as they've unveiled a trailer for the new Hugh Jackman vehicle "Real Steel", based on the 1956 short story "Steel" by Richard Matheson. See the trailer here

    In the short story, which was one of sixteen Matheson saw turned into Twilight Zone episodes, Lee Marvin plays a boxer-turned-promoter in a future where humans have been banned from the sport, replaced by humanoid androids. In the end he must enter the ring in disguise and battle one of these machines when his unit breaks down. The results are inevitable, but the story remains human and impactful. After seeing the trailer for this remake, one wonders how bad things will get when the 84-year-old Matheson finally leaves this mortal plane and his tome can be properly rifled through like items at a dead uncle's garage sale. 

    Hollywood has failed miserably to translate the humanity and simple elegance of Matheson's work time and again, most recently with The Box, a full length piece of shit based loosely on his classic short "Button, Button". In the past, it has tried to bring the author's finest work, "I am Legend", to the big screen in three pedestrian efforts (1964's The Last Man on Earth, 1971's The Omega Man and 2007's I am Legend), all of which fell short of capturing the true emotion of the novel. In fact, the DVD-released alternate ending to the Will Smith version might be the closest to expressing Matheson's closing theme, so of course Hollywood didn't go with it.

    It's getting disappointing as a fan of Richard Matheson's work to see what Hollywood does with original, truly great ideas. In over a half century of writing, Matheson's imagination has spawned the aforementioned 16 Twilight Zones, several Night Gallery (Rod Serling's follow-up to The Twilight Zone) episodes, countless other efforts as a producer and writer for television screenplays (as original author and on rewrite efforts), over a dozen films, and has been such a part of American Pop Culture that both The Simpsons and The Family Guy have paid homage.

    Let's just hope Hollywood gets it right and treats one of the finest American authors we've been privieged to read and celebrate with at least a  modicum of that respect. It could happen...shamefully, however, it won't while Mr. Matheson is still with us. Jersey guys get no respect!

Bad Photos 2: The Quickening

Why so serious? 

Nihilist Santa is having trouble catching on...but he doesn't care...

Armed with only their Coltski revolvers, the Polish Army was doomed to fall to the Nazi War Machine. 

Who's overrated, Motherf*#^er? This guy!!! 

My God, the Midwest is just awful...

"When your baby turns blue, your Coors is ready to drink."

   Paully counts among his heroes Joe Torre ("dats a leada there"), The Pope ("respect to God, Amen"), Vinny who makes the gobbagool down'a street at DiMatto's Italian Market, and apparently... Al Jolson.

"Don't use my money on this cheap shit again!"

Bad Photos

  "Great. Now Schmuck, could you drape your left arm nervously over Charter Fisherman's shoulder? That's it. Charter Fisherman, could you look a little waxier? No...no. Give me a little more 'special needs'...perfect!" 

     

I suddenly miss my hamster. 

   The Derek Vinyard-Billy Crystal fight never did live up to the hype.

Drink it, dummy! You live in a desert, for Christ's sake!

Say what you will about his Senior picture, but Andy here killed a lot fewer people than you'd think.

I really thought George Wendt had more dignity than this. 

 

It's not as bad as you think. The kid's dead.

Which one's Mr. Lee? Not so fast, bigot...

Think this is bad? Imagine if you only had three bullets...

Phrases we don't need anymore, Part 1

    

    Did you ever hear a popular phrase, let it really sink in, and realize that it makes absolutely no sense? Did it ever piss you off that you can't be the only one it doesn't make sense to, yet it remains in the common vernacular and has for generations? Well it does for us, so we here at PFTS have decided to make a list of those phrases or sayings that should be raised to the rafters...or buried face-down and micturated upon in as disrespectful a way as possible. 

1.) "Slow and steady wins the race."

         Does it? Tell that to anyone who put up a bad 40-time at the NFL Combine. Two tenths of a second drops them three rounds and costs them about a million dollars in guaranteed money. I've also never seen a person power-walk and win a marathon, either. Not even a Kenyan.

2.) "He/she/we gave 110%"
         How does this one work exactly? How can there be more than the whole of something? If you gave "110%", that is literally you and a clone of yourself that you cut into 10 equal parts and brought one along with you. I guess wrapped in newspaper. Remember newspapers? Remember when the Sunday Sports section was shitter-worthy and not 3.5 pages of AP filler? But I digress. Where were we? Ah yes, giving 110%.
       It's the same thing for people who rate items or experiences on a scale of 1 to 10 as being an emphatic "20!" Clearly you don't know how the scale system functions. It really reflects poorly on your ability to exist in the realm of logic and absolutes. It also makes me want to play you in Trivial Pursuit. It'd be a rare opportunity to use the word 'drubbing'.


3.) "Really?"
           This one is just about ready for the bin. The sarcastic reply to a somewhat surprising statement or action. "Really?" 
        I admit that I was on board with this from Jump Street, thinking it as clever or well-placed as anyone else did at the time. Then the last eighteen months it spread like Mutaba in Cedar Creek(Yep, Outbreak reference). Now its the Soccer Mom's go-to RE her son's muddy cleats on the kitchen tile, the office tech guy's smug muttering to your inability to follow his Beautiful Mind-like scribbles on connecting to and running a video conference, or a girl (who's not as hot as she thinks. Not by a mile.) castrating your notions to buy her a drink.
    The last straw has come as one of the only decent sitcom on network television, ABC's Modern Family, now counts the dickish use of the word "really" as approximately 47% of each episode's dialogue.

    ....this has been a taste of a list that has no end in sight, unless I keel over from another massive coronary tonight. One cold day already has me wanting to say "if only..."

You've got to play the game

"Playing The Game"

We have all heard this phrase at one stage or another in our slow paced, yet ultimately too short lives. Unless, of course, you are hearing impared, in which case one of three things will happen to you: a.) First and simplest, someone will have signed it to you -probably a relative or any readily available gang member, BLOODS being the obvious choice for their mastery of American Sign Language, which is the merritt badge they (I mean they as in they, not the Archie Bunker "they") must earn before moving on to the more challenging "carjacking" and "drive-by" tests... b.) If not traditional signing exactly, someone should be good enough to make some such effort - maybe an index finger extended in your direction followed by a mimed free-throw or craps roll...or...c.) the last and admittedly least likely scenario, involves Garrett Morris appearing picture-in-picture on your television or computer screen and yelling the phrase to you, ala his old bit on the SNL Weekend Update.
The "game" referred to in this assinine word set typically points to what we of the blue-ish collar call through gritted teeth a "nine-to-five." That is to say, much more simply, a job. That's right, the old j-o-b. That's the same spelling, certainly not coincidentally, as the name of the most fucked over guy in the Holy Bible; the Good Book ( it's okay, actually, six-point-five out of ten but comes across a bit preachy). Seriously, look back at Job's story: hardship upon hardship, damned if you do or don't, with no end to misery nor a truly viable reason for that misery to have been inflicted on a relatively good person. The only real explanation for his crops, livestock and family being devestated amounts to not much more than a pissing contest between dieties.
Now look at your workplace situation and see how it compares. Aside from the boils, you probably wouldn't check off "favorably." If it was or is anything like mine, it probably involves about a half dozen or more people coming down on you for something you are hearing about for the first time, right then and there, or wanting you to "prioritize better." Translating into layman's terms, that basically means "put my work first."
Make no mistake, while it is "best for the company" to prioritize logically, it isn't necessarily the best for you. If someone who has the potential to throw you under the bus when need be, they will do it with little hesitation. Why accept blame for something if you don't have to? If you did step up and accept blame for a project of yours going awry, you would be showing not only a backbone but a sense of moral decency. Know that there is no place for either in the workplace. Showing either trait could very well be career suicide, for some time ago the two were misconstrued as somehow showing weakness. It was probably the 80's Wall Street boom, the creation of financial "sharks" and the millions upon millions of sacrificial lambs who have since been "downsized" or seen there job "outsourced"...both of which are bullshit terms that make up for there being no really good reason that you were fired (and make no mistake, that's what it is) aside from an already obscenely wealthy handful of suits seeing that they could make an extra $2 or $3 Million annually, at no cost to them, and it would only mean taking food off of a few thousand families' tables per year. What's more, those suits were rarely in the office to begin with, so its not like their cutbacks affected anyone they knew "personally", just a person who was loyal to the job that eventually shit on them. And let's face it, you can do it cheaper in India right now...until an even more "cost-effective" (defined loosely as "what can I keep in, or add to, my pocket") country pops up....Come to think of it, once things settle down, there could be hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who need work and several CEOs who have the shears out to "trim the fat" in the name of a beefier bottom line.
I know, I know, it's capitalism. And capitalism is a good thing...to an extent. Free market economies are a good thing on paper, but so too was true Marxist Communism and every form of relgion. Then the greedy get involved and healthy competition becomes all-out war.
Think about it in simplest terms; if you're a CEO type who produces a good or service for the country and/or world, why would you cut out your own workforce, and thereby effect a large percentage of those who would have given you money for said good or service?
All this ties to the crux of playing the game...we hate to do it, but in the end, we have to do it. So take a lesson from the big wigs that run your own company; Lie, cheat, deceive and always, always delegate: Not just work, but blame. "Well, Sir, I put Johnson in charge of that..." Boom. You're okay, even if you knew it wasn't in Johnson's job description or even his skill set. Besides, they're his kids that are going to be hungry...not yours. He can always swallow his pride and push a broom somewhere, then get a night job that forces him to miss recitals, games and eventually graduation. If it doesn't kill him, he may even get to know his grandson for 6 months like my father did before he passed.
Take the step to help grow the divide between rich and poor and see if we can't do away with the lifeblood of America, The Middle Class, in as short a time as possible. Play the game. Play it hard. The neck you save may, if only for a short time, be your own...

---

Despite Economy, Starbucks remains as pretentious as ever.

Let me guess, they all call for coffee grounds and hot water, right?

     I was a little disappointed earlier today to find myself in line at a nearby Starbucks (and there's always a nearby Starbucks), scratching the itch for an afternoon coffee. I suppose it was a line anyway. There were a half dozen people sort of floating within a yard of the main counter, so I side-stepped the sprawled backpacks of college kids piggybacking the free WiFi, took my place to the far left and waited. And waited. And waited.
 
     I decided to interrupt the gabbing of the two early middle-aged women to my immediate right to see if they'd been helped. Mind you it was my day off, and looking to take advantage of one of the last nice days of 2010 I was clad in a Rider University Baseball tee, plaid shorts and a pair of O'Neill flips. Maybe that's why my query was met with blank expressions that toed the line between 'how dare you' and 'fuck off'. Moments later one of the Baristas (can we stop that one in its tracks? Why are there random Italian words at an American coffee house anyway?) finally nodded me over. Hosannah in the highest! My turn had come at last! I shuffled forward, nodded at Kevin (so his name tag said) and started what would turn out to be a rather painful exchange.

   "What can I get for you?" Simple and straight forward. Surely this would be easy.

   "Small decaf" says I, figuring that wasn't a strange thing to hear at a coffee house. Not for a barista of Kevin's caliber.

   "Decaf what? Coffee?"

   "Yes." No Kevin, a goddamn omelette.


   "Can I have the cup first?" I knew this would be a bit of a curve ball, but felt Kevin would be able to roll with the punch. I was wrong.

   "Why?" Now we're getting a little personal for my taste.

   "I like to put the cream in first."

   "Really?" He handed the cup over with a reluctant look. Yes, Kevin, really. It tastes better and gives the beverage a nice texture. Even your bitter, overblown product. 

   Cup in hand, I weaved the pattern of Libertines standing or sitting in such a way as to show a complete disregard for common courtesy and made it to the little amenities station in the corner. That's where I came upon sensory overload in terms of pretentiousness. And why I think I may finally be done with the whole Starbucks experience.

    Let's start with the sweeteners. First, the last seven Equal packets in Central New Jersey. No problem there, even though it tastes like my ass. Splenda. Why not? It's in everything at this point anyway. Sugar? Where's the sugar? Not at Starbucks, that would be far too down-at-heel for such an establishment. No, its been replaced by a product called 'Sugar In the Raw'.

    Basically a byproduct of sugar cane and humidity, it is housed in a brown bag that looks recycled and may well be. My issue is that this is a completely unnecessary product geared toward the crunchier members of society that has somehow gone mainstream. There is nothing wrong with bleached white sugar. Nothing! The bleaching process actually removes impurities that are not good for the body, and the fact sugar packets are bleached white paper gives me a good feeling, too. Certain things are meant to be sterile, not 40% recycled rice paper crawling with micro organisms. Especially things ear-marked for ingestion by human beings. Sugar In The Raw calls itself  "naturally blond". Haha! I get it! That's a good 'un. Now where's the regular damned sugar flavored sugar, Kevin? 

    
    Fine, no real sugar. I'll make due with the crystalline Sugar In The Raw for now. At least we haven't yet reached the point where there's three sugar cane stalks and a community machete on the table. That would be the epitome of Sugar In The Raw. But one question I won't let go of so easily...why is there a spice rack?

   Nutmeg and Cinnamon, two of each. That's right, there are two jars of nutmeg, but no actual sugar. I'm not baking a cake. I'm not making goddamn egg nog, either. Just trying to assemble a passable cup of joe and go about my day.

   Grabbing a dozen or so flimsy recycled napkins,(less than ten would be useless and barely get up most of a drop of water) I returned to the main counter and handed Kevin the cup and two dollars. My eyes took in the onslaught of non-coffee products, including the thirty different kinds of carrot cake, inexplicably over-priced cookies and easy-listening CD single of the month. I don't know if it was all that or the quick sip of bitter swill that everyone raves about, but I kind of threw up in my mouth a little bit at that point.


   Unable to speak for fear of spewing possibly the most overrated beverage in history back in the direction it came from, I motioned for Kevin to keep the change and attempted to exit. Not that the douche in the button-down blocking the door and yammering on his bluetooth made that easy. Not when my "excuse me" is met with a huffy sigh.

   Oh, did I interrupt your call? Was it important business? Must be a pressing issue if you're stopping off for a twenty minute stay in the coffee line, huh? It must be if you think enough of yourself to block the damned exit. Thank you for doing your part in cementing my growing inclination that once I get past you, it will be the last time I pass through a Starbucks doorway in this lifetime. 

   Now enjoy your pumpkin spice lattes, raspberry-walnut scones and smarmy conservative-bashing jabs. Just don't expect anyone else with a shred of perspective to play along for much longer.

Fucking Squirrels

   Squirrels. I fucking hate them. I mean, look at them. One two or three second glance and you'd realize that Colonel Hans Landa was absolutely right. Are they not rats with fluffier tails? With better P.R. people?
   Look at these little shits. They somehow turn a hundred acorns into two hundred potential oak trees. Just by sloppily eating their fruit all over your yard. Yeah, it looks cute. Until the little trees start popping up on your lawn. At that point you're too fucked to realize you're fucked. But by then its already too late. The little shit-heads own your yard and couldn't give a fuck how much you hate their ratty little comings and goings.
   It's not bad enough they shit around in your yard, but their decision making in terms of crossing the street is just  plumb ridiculous. I mean, you're three-quarters of the way across the street...so why the hell would you double back and run the gauntlet of two front-wheel drive 15 inch steel belts?
   They're really nature's Polak. Think about it. When the Nazis invaded the Pols fought valiantly, despite horse-mounted cavalry against fucking Panzers, to the last. A more ideal graphic depiction would be the student protester in Tianenman Square manning up to the tank that ran him over.
   Why do they wait until they're near your left tire to double back? Why after you've inevitably crushed their rear vertebrae must you double back and finish the job? If they must take a gloomy Monday that seriously, can't they time it so the death blow is that much quicker and more humane? Sick bastards.

Stimulus failure magnified in L.A. This is getting ridiculous...

   Image courtesy noquarterusa.net

  
   According to newly released audits, the city of Los Angeles brutally squandered the 2009 stimulus money it received from the central Government and, essentially, taxpayers. Approximately $594 Million in total.
   The city's Department of Transportation and Department of Public Works spent $111 Million of that total and only managed to create or save 54 total jobs. Fifty-fucking-four! That's roughly $2 Million per job! Keeping in mind those include jobs that were saved, what is the real expense?
   Where is the accountability on any level of government? It's not with President Obama; he's 20 months into a media-fueled free-pass that looks like it would hold up even if he started sacrificing children on the White House Lawn.
   The whole thing is deplorable at best, and proof that the Dems in power had no real follow-through plan after cutting these checks to various cities and districts. Oh well, maybe the next stimulus package Obama has lined up will fare a little better. Democrats are praying that it will at this point, or they may have trouble seeing their Messiah to a 2nd term. Right now, however, its just setting up as a ploy to buy mid-term votes, not anything that might actually help.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_upshot/20100917/bs_yblog_upshot/report-los-angeles-spent-70-million-in-stimulus-funds-to-create-7-76-jobs

Hollywood, they're called writers...

 

   Joe Strummer once had a great lyric. "If you're out there gettin' the honey, then you don't go killin' all the bees." Apparently that's Hollywood's plan for Screen Writers as another wave of remakes and reshufflings inches closer to the silver screen.
   Forfeiting the creativity of genuine authors in favor of in-house script revisors and re-writers, Studios are planning to rehash The Blob (this would be for a 3rd edition), An American Werewolf in London (The first was great, just rent the damn thing), Japanese Manga classic Akira, and Child's Play, amongst others.
   Those are all decent movies in their own right, but none among them are worthy of a remake. NONE. Or should I say none deserve the shame of a remake?  How about we find 2011's own horror or anime classic? No? Too much work? Or are studio types not yet willing to admit how much they owe to genuinely creative people?

Room for a small one? Cheeky...

 

   Former WHAM! member and life-long bender George Michael is facing an 8 week stretch in prison after being busted for driving under the influence for crashing into a London photo shop. Michael, who also lost his license for 5 years, was found to be both under the influence and in possession of marijuana. And here I thought they were more into poppers and speed. Just proves there's still a lot to be learned about Gay cultural pastimes beyond a love of antiques and being on the cutting edge of the ever-changing flavored martini fad.
   These 8 weeks shouldn't be too bad, especially if George likes it rough. Look out for three the hard way, Mr. Michael! Best of luck...no, honestly. "Wake Me Up before you Go Go" is a toe-tapper to be enjoyed on both sides of the rainbow.

181 wings in 12 minutes? What a woman...

   Sonya 'The Black Widow' Thomas (pictured here before the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest) destroyed the competition en route to earning the victory in the National Buffalo Wing Festival in Buffalo, New York. The 43-year-old Thomas, all of 5 feet tall and 105 pounds, tore through 181 wings in 12 minutes, beating out 6-2, 230-pound Joey Chestnut, who finished with 169.
  That's an amazing feat, considering her petite stature and the size of some of the Coronary patients-in-waiting she easily dispenses in National eating competitions. If I hear she likes the Eagles there will be little cartoon hearts shooting out of my eyes...

The Zombie wears Osh-Kosh

    A newborn baby pronounced dead was apparently revived by it's mother's embrace, according to AP reports. Australian Kate Ogg, the mother who is apparently a cross between Jesus Christ and Ben Hawkins from HBO's much underrated Carnivale, was told her premature son, Jamie (born just 27 weeks into Mom's gestation period), was pronounced dead after efforts by doctors to revive the child failed.
   Given a chance to say goodbye to her dead son, Kate Ogg had the baby placed on her bare chest and within moments the child began to twitch and show life. Doctors assumed they were reflexes, as the child was not breathing for 20 minutes after birth. But things improved and the child has grown stronger. 5 months later, both he and his twin sister Emily are said to be doing fine. No word if the child has yet developed a taste for human flesh. What do you start a zombie baby on, anyway?
   The misdiagnosis is not all that shocking, as the doctors were probably a few Fosters deep, late for their scheduled abduction of a backpacker on "walkabout" or just plain bad at their jobs. I mean this is modern medicine we're talking about and you're telling me a culture that calls eggs "Hen Fruit" is up to par for the latest advances? I just don't know. But I do have one question...if the child hadn't made it, would they let the dingo eat her baby?

Tough economy forcing Madame Tussauds to immortalize 15-minuters

  

 


   As if looking at the wax figures of historic cultural icons wasn't eerie enough, Tussauds is adding here-today, gone-tomorrow pop icons like Rihanna and Miley Cyrus to the fold. 

   Madame Tussauds, the famed House of Wax in Washington, D.C., has long been known for capturing pop culture immortals, but over the last few years has added creepy waxen likenesses of disposable pop icons in efforts to keep up with America's fast-food drive thru culture as it applies to "stars". Statues of Ryan Seacrest, Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton and now Rihanna join the likes of true immortals Denzel Washington, James Dean and Audrey Hepburn in Tussauds' International collection. The latter two are spinning in their graves at what it now takes to gain entry; Denzel to join them whenever he leaves this mortal plane.
  The displays make the rounds amongst show rooms in the U.S., Europe, England and Asia and also include international stars like Jackie Chan, Helen Mirren, Muhammed Ali and members of various ruling families and politicians.

You want a Bull Fight, Mother #@*%er?

    Spaniards do their best impression of the French Army (as well as their own, for that matter) as a Bull stares down his next goring victim after leaping into the stands at a Recortadores Competition in Tafalla on Wednesday. The bull injured 40 people but unfortunately didn't record any kills.

Apple IPhone's continued fuckery

    

   "Manufacturing Problems" with Apple's iPhone 4 have further delayed the unnecessary device's "white version" from reaching the zombified masses, according to a statement released this morning.


 * "White models of Apple's new iPhone 4 have continued to be more challenging to manufacture than we originally expected, and as a result they will not be available until later this year," Apple said in a statement this morning. "The availability of the more popular iPhone 4 black models is not affected."

    
   At first, I thought Apple was just being brutally honest in their marketing of a 'white' and a 'black' version of the phone. My mind's eye painted a sarcastic image of one phone pre-loaded with FoxNews, Wall Street Journal and Banana Republic store Apps, the other with quick links to MSNBC, BET and the oeuvre of Tyler Perry. Turns out its just a marketing thing. Even just a fresh coat of paint can open up new markets.




  

    So once again the pursuit of the last bit of peoples' discretionary incomes has led to a product being scheduled for release before it's ready or even functioning properly. Apple will be chided and satirized on SNL News for it, but in the end millions will line right back up and buy it when it's ready. Once again, no adherence will be paid to the complaints that companies 'need to get their act together' before trading us sloppily crafted shit for our hard-earned wompum. Hasn't really changed much since the Cabbage Patch Kid and Gotcha Paintball Gun incidents of my formative years. Probably not since an assembly-line issue caused my grandmother's lead-base painted, 30-pound cast-iron doll to not be ready for Christmas 1926. 

Celebrities losing their grip...

"I really am a terrible actor."

Celebrities losing their grip...

Right back atcha, you fat fucking hack.

Celebrities losing their grip...

"Yeah. Yeah, Relax. Will Fucking Smith is coming, too.

Celebrities losing their grip...

Patricia Arquette looks like shit.