Hollywood, they're called writers...

 

   Joe Strummer once had a great lyric. "If you're out there gettin' the honey, then you don't go killin' all the bees." Apparently that's Hollywood's plan for Screen Writers as another wave of remakes and reshufflings inches closer to the silver screen.
   Forfeiting the creativity of genuine authors in favor of in-house script revisors and re-writers, Studios are planning to rehash The Blob (this would be for a 3rd edition), An American Werewolf in London (The first was great, just rent the damn thing), Japanese Manga classic Akira, and Child's Play, amongst others.
   Those are all decent movies in their own right, but none among them are worthy of a remake. NONE. Or should I say none deserve the shame of a remake?  How about we find 2011's own horror or anime classic? No? Too much work? Or are studio types not yet willing to admit how much they owe to genuinely creative people?

Room for a small one? Cheeky...

 

   Former WHAM! member and life-long bender George Michael is facing an 8 week stretch in prison after being busted for driving under the influence for crashing into a London photo shop. Michael, who also lost his license for 5 years, was found to be both under the influence and in possession of marijuana. And here I thought they were more into poppers and speed. Just proves there's still a lot to be learned about Gay cultural pastimes beyond a love of antiques and being on the cutting edge of the ever-changing flavored martini fad.
   These 8 weeks shouldn't be too bad, especially if George likes it rough. Look out for three the hard way, Mr. Michael! Best of luck...no, honestly. "Wake Me Up before you Go Go" is a toe-tapper to be enjoyed on both sides of the rainbow.

181 wings in 12 minutes? What a woman...

   Sonya 'The Black Widow' Thomas (pictured here before the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest) destroyed the competition en route to earning the victory in the National Buffalo Wing Festival in Buffalo, New York. The 43-year-old Thomas, all of 5 feet tall and 105 pounds, tore through 181 wings in 12 minutes, beating out 6-2, 230-pound Joey Chestnut, who finished with 169.
  That's an amazing feat, considering her petite stature and the size of some of the Coronary patients-in-waiting she easily dispenses in National eating competitions. If I hear she likes the Eagles there will be little cartoon hearts shooting out of my eyes...

The Zombie wears Osh-Kosh

    A newborn baby pronounced dead was apparently revived by it's mother's embrace, according to AP reports. Australian Kate Ogg, the mother who is apparently a cross between Jesus Christ and Ben Hawkins from HBO's much underrated Carnivale, was told her premature son, Jamie (born just 27 weeks into Mom's gestation period), was pronounced dead after efforts by doctors to revive the child failed.
   Given a chance to say goodbye to her dead son, Kate Ogg had the baby placed on her bare chest and within moments the child began to twitch and show life. Doctors assumed they were reflexes, as the child was not breathing for 20 minutes after birth. But things improved and the child has grown stronger. 5 months later, both he and his twin sister Emily are said to be doing fine. No word if the child has yet developed a taste for human flesh. What do you start a zombie baby on, anyway?
   The misdiagnosis is not all that shocking, as the doctors were probably a few Fosters deep, late for their scheduled abduction of a backpacker on "walkabout" or just plain bad at their jobs. I mean this is modern medicine we're talking about and you're telling me a culture that calls eggs "Hen Fruit" is up to par for the latest advances? I just don't know. But I do have one question...if the child hadn't made it, would they let the dingo eat her baby?

Tough economy forcing Madame Tussauds to immortalize 15-minuters

  

 


   As if looking at the wax figures of historic cultural icons wasn't eerie enough, Tussauds is adding here-today, gone-tomorrow pop icons like Rihanna and Miley Cyrus to the fold. 

   Madame Tussauds, the famed House of Wax in Washington, D.C., has long been known for capturing pop culture immortals, but over the last few years has added creepy waxen likenesses of disposable pop icons in efforts to keep up with America's fast-food drive thru culture as it applies to "stars". Statues of Ryan Seacrest, Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton and now Rihanna join the likes of true immortals Denzel Washington, James Dean and Audrey Hepburn in Tussauds' International collection. The latter two are spinning in their graves at what it now takes to gain entry; Denzel to join them whenever he leaves this mortal plane.
  The displays make the rounds amongst show rooms in the U.S., Europe, England and Asia and also include international stars like Jackie Chan, Helen Mirren, Muhammed Ali and members of various ruling families and politicians.

You want a Bull Fight, Mother #@*%er?

    Spaniards do their best impression of the French Army (as well as their own, for that matter) as a Bull stares down his next goring victim after leaping into the stands at a Recortadores Competition in Tafalla on Wednesday. The bull injured 40 people but unfortunately didn't record any kills.

Apple IPhone's continued fuckery

    

   "Manufacturing Problems" with Apple's iPhone 4 have further delayed the unnecessary device's "white version" from reaching the zombified masses, according to a statement released this morning.


 * "White models of Apple's new iPhone 4 have continued to be more challenging to manufacture than we originally expected, and as a result they will not be available until later this year," Apple said in a statement this morning. "The availability of the more popular iPhone 4 black models is not affected."

    
   At first, I thought Apple was just being brutally honest in their marketing of a 'white' and a 'black' version of the phone. My mind's eye painted a sarcastic image of one phone pre-loaded with FoxNews, Wall Street Journal and Banana Republic store Apps, the other with quick links to MSNBC, BET and the oeuvre of Tyler Perry. Turns out its just a marketing thing. Even just a fresh coat of paint can open up new markets.




  

    So once again the pursuit of the last bit of peoples' discretionary incomes has led to a product being scheduled for release before it's ready or even functioning properly. Apple will be chided and satirized on SNL News for it, but in the end millions will line right back up and buy it when it's ready. Once again, no adherence will be paid to the complaints that companies 'need to get their act together' before trading us sloppily crafted shit for our hard-earned wompum. Hasn't really changed much since the Cabbage Patch Kid and Gotcha Paintball Gun incidents of my formative years. Probably not since an assembly-line issue caused my grandmother's lead-base painted, 30-pound cast-iron doll to not be ready for Christmas 1926.