Fucking Squirrels

   Squirrels. I fucking hate them. I mean, look at them. One two or three second glance and you'd realize that Colonel Hans Landa was absolutely right. Are they not rats with fluffier tails? With better P.R. people?
   Look at these little shits. They somehow turn a hundred acorns into two hundred potential oak trees. Just by sloppily eating their fruit all over your yard. Yeah, it looks cute. Until the little trees start popping up on your lawn. At that point you're too fucked to realize you're fucked. But by then its already too late. The little shit-heads own your yard and couldn't give a fuck how much you hate their ratty little comings and goings.
   It's not bad enough they shit around in your yard, but their decision making in terms of crossing the street is just  plumb ridiculous. I mean, you're three-quarters of the way across the street...so why the hell would you double back and run the gauntlet of two front-wheel drive 15 inch steel belts?
   They're really nature's Polak. Think about it. When the Nazis invaded the Pols fought valiantly, despite horse-mounted cavalry against fucking Panzers, to the last. A more ideal graphic depiction would be the student protester in Tianenman Square manning up to the tank that ran him over.
   Why do they wait until they're near your left tire to double back? Why after you've inevitably crushed their rear vertebrae must you double back and finish the job? If they must take a gloomy Monday that seriously, can't they time it so the death blow is that much quicker and more humane? Sick bastards.

Stimulus failure magnified in L.A. This is getting ridiculous...

   Image courtesy noquarterusa.net

  
   According to newly released audits, the city of Los Angeles brutally squandered the 2009 stimulus money it received from the central Government and, essentially, taxpayers. Approximately $594 Million in total.
   The city's Department of Transportation and Department of Public Works spent $111 Million of that total and only managed to create or save 54 total jobs. Fifty-fucking-four! That's roughly $2 Million per job! Keeping in mind those include jobs that were saved, what is the real expense?
   Where is the accountability on any level of government? It's not with President Obama; he's 20 months into a media-fueled free-pass that looks like it would hold up even if he started sacrificing children on the White House Lawn.
   The whole thing is deplorable at best, and proof that the Dems in power had no real follow-through plan after cutting these checks to various cities and districts. Oh well, maybe the next stimulus package Obama has lined up will fare a little better. Democrats are praying that it will at this point, or they may have trouble seeing their Messiah to a 2nd term. Right now, however, its just setting up as a ploy to buy mid-term votes, not anything that might actually help.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_upshot/20100917/bs_yblog_upshot/report-los-angeles-spent-70-million-in-stimulus-funds-to-create-7-76-jobs

Hollywood, they're called writers...

 

   Joe Strummer once had a great lyric. "If you're out there gettin' the honey, then you don't go killin' all the bees." Apparently that's Hollywood's plan for Screen Writers as another wave of remakes and reshufflings inches closer to the silver screen.
   Forfeiting the creativity of genuine authors in favor of in-house script revisors and re-writers, Studios are planning to rehash The Blob (this would be for a 3rd edition), An American Werewolf in London (The first was great, just rent the damn thing), Japanese Manga classic Akira, and Child's Play, amongst others.
   Those are all decent movies in their own right, but none among them are worthy of a remake. NONE. Or should I say none deserve the shame of a remake?  How about we find 2011's own horror or anime classic? No? Too much work? Or are studio types not yet willing to admit how much they owe to genuinely creative people?

Room for a small one? Cheeky...

 

   Former WHAM! member and life-long bender George Michael is facing an 8 week stretch in prison after being busted for driving under the influence for crashing into a London photo shop. Michael, who also lost his license for 5 years, was found to be both under the influence and in possession of marijuana. And here I thought they were more into poppers and speed. Just proves there's still a lot to be learned about Gay cultural pastimes beyond a love of antiques and being on the cutting edge of the ever-changing flavored martini fad.
   These 8 weeks shouldn't be too bad, especially if George likes it rough. Look out for three the hard way, Mr. Michael! Best of luck...no, honestly. "Wake Me Up before you Go Go" is a toe-tapper to be enjoyed on both sides of the rainbow.

181 wings in 12 minutes? What a woman...

   Sonya 'The Black Widow' Thomas (pictured here before the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest) destroyed the competition en route to earning the victory in the National Buffalo Wing Festival in Buffalo, New York. The 43-year-old Thomas, all of 5 feet tall and 105 pounds, tore through 181 wings in 12 minutes, beating out 6-2, 230-pound Joey Chestnut, who finished with 169.
  That's an amazing feat, considering her petite stature and the size of some of the Coronary patients-in-waiting she easily dispenses in National eating competitions. If I hear she likes the Eagles there will be little cartoon hearts shooting out of my eyes...

The Zombie wears Osh-Kosh

    A newborn baby pronounced dead was apparently revived by it's mother's embrace, according to AP reports. Australian Kate Ogg, the mother who is apparently a cross between Jesus Christ and Ben Hawkins from HBO's much underrated Carnivale, was told her premature son, Jamie (born just 27 weeks into Mom's gestation period), was pronounced dead after efforts by doctors to revive the child failed.
   Given a chance to say goodbye to her dead son, Kate Ogg had the baby placed on her bare chest and within moments the child began to twitch and show life. Doctors assumed they were reflexes, as the child was not breathing for 20 minutes after birth. But things improved and the child has grown stronger. 5 months later, both he and his twin sister Emily are said to be doing fine. No word if the child has yet developed a taste for human flesh. What do you start a zombie baby on, anyway?
   The misdiagnosis is not all that shocking, as the doctors were probably a few Fosters deep, late for their scheduled abduction of a backpacker on "walkabout" or just plain bad at their jobs. I mean this is modern medicine we're talking about and you're telling me a culture that calls eggs "Hen Fruit" is up to par for the latest advances? I just don't know. But I do have one question...if the child hadn't made it, would they let the dingo eat her baby?

Tough economy forcing Madame Tussauds to immortalize 15-minuters

  

 


   As if looking at the wax figures of historic cultural icons wasn't eerie enough, Tussauds is adding here-today, gone-tomorrow pop icons like Rihanna and Miley Cyrus to the fold. 

   Madame Tussauds, the famed House of Wax in Washington, D.C., has long been known for capturing pop culture immortals, but over the last few years has added creepy waxen likenesses of disposable pop icons in efforts to keep up with America's fast-food drive thru culture as it applies to "stars". Statues of Ryan Seacrest, Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton and now Rihanna join the likes of true immortals Denzel Washington, James Dean and Audrey Hepburn in Tussauds' International collection. The latter two are spinning in their graves at what it now takes to gain entry; Denzel to join them whenever he leaves this mortal plane.
  The displays make the rounds amongst show rooms in the U.S., Europe, England and Asia and also include international stars like Jackie Chan, Helen Mirren, Muhammed Ali and members of various ruling families and politicians.