Bad Photos 4: The Return of Michael Myers

.Little Jenny posing with brothers Rob, Todd and Dave Faggot.

From the Ed Gein school of child rearing.

Tune in for Lance and Troy's NFL Playoff and Potpourri Podcast.

First they adopt Junior from Problem Child and then this little tadpole oozes out. Poor family.

 Looks like Ralphie May's found religion.

This is what happens when Santa brings you an extra chromosome for Christmas.

Studying for every college girl's mandatory Freshman class: Whoring 101.

"Whaddya say, Sugar tits?"

F*@%ed Up Animals

The endangered Trenton Crack Bat

What the hell happened to Ziggy? 

Humans aren't the only ape God will give an extra chromosome or two.

Shane Victorino?

A racial joke here may be tasteless, but the steer's name is in fact Tyrone.







"Yeah? Well now there ain't none left, liberal!"

No joke here. Just that it looks like one of the Warwolves from Marvel's Excalibur comics.

Bad Photos 3: The Search for Spock

...four nooses hanging, three neighbors cheering, two gay sons swaying, one group rate funeral...

So the recession's over, huh Barack?

Yeah, that's what we need. These two spawning another generation of roll-play (not the fun kind) enthusiasts.

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Closet Dad is teaching his sons early the art of riding pole.

Their greatest trick? Three generations spawned without ever knowing a woman's touch.





Looks like the worst sketch comedy group ever. These guys would make The Groundlings seem funny.

 

Minimalist piece entitled: "I hate this bitch (in repose)." 

Where the hell are the Velociraptors when you really need them?

I bet this photo was his idea. I also bet he does the cooking.

A little ass play on Wedding Night is fine, but Ted here's jumping the gun significantly.

Elton John walked by a moment later and called this guy a fag.

Hollywood again out to destroy Matheson's work

Hugh Jackman in the upcoming Real Steel

  

    Hollywood is once again looking to bastardize the work of one of the genius Authors of the 20th Century, as they've unveiled a trailer for the new Hugh Jackman vehicle "Real Steel", based on the 1956 short story "Steel" by Richard Matheson. See the trailer here

    In the short story, which was one of sixteen Matheson saw turned into Twilight Zone episodes, Lee Marvin plays a boxer-turned-promoter in a future where humans have been banned from the sport, replaced by humanoid androids. In the end he must enter the ring in disguise and battle one of these machines when his unit breaks down. The results are inevitable, but the story remains human and impactful. After seeing the trailer for this remake, one wonders how bad things will get when the 84-year-old Matheson finally leaves this mortal plane and his tome can be properly rifled through like items at a dead uncle's garage sale. 

    Hollywood has failed miserably to translate the humanity and simple elegance of Matheson's work time and again, most recently with The Box, a full length piece of shit based loosely on his classic short "Button, Button". In the past, it has tried to bring the author's finest work, "I am Legend", to the big screen in three pedestrian efforts (1964's The Last Man on Earth, 1971's The Omega Man and 2007's I am Legend), all of which fell short of capturing the true emotion of the novel. In fact, the DVD-released alternate ending to the Will Smith version might be the closest to expressing Matheson's closing theme, so of course Hollywood didn't go with it.

    It's getting disappointing as a fan of Richard Matheson's work to see what Hollywood does with original, truly great ideas. In over a half century of writing, Matheson's imagination has spawned the aforementioned 16 Twilight Zones, several Night Gallery (Rod Serling's follow-up to The Twilight Zone) episodes, countless other efforts as a producer and writer for television screenplays (as original author and on rewrite efforts), over a dozen films, and has been such a part of American Pop Culture that both The Simpsons and The Family Guy have paid homage.

    Let's just hope Hollywood gets it right and treats one of the finest American authors we've been privieged to read and celebrate with at least a  modicum of that respect. It could happen...shamefully, however, it won't while Mr. Matheson is still with us. Jersey guys get no respect!

Bad Photos 2: The Quickening

Why so serious? 

Nihilist Santa is having trouble catching on...but he doesn't care...

Armed with only their Coltski revolvers, the Polish Army was doomed to fall to the Nazi War Machine. 

Who's overrated, Motherf*#^er? This guy!!! 

My God, the Midwest is just awful...

"When your baby turns blue, your Coors is ready to drink."

   Paully counts among his heroes Joe Torre ("dats a leada there"), The Pope ("respect to God, Amen"), Vinny who makes the gobbagool down'a street at DiMatto's Italian Market, and apparently... Al Jolson.

"Don't use my money on this cheap shit again!"

Bad Photos

  "Great. Now Schmuck, could you drape your left arm nervously over Charter Fisherman's shoulder? That's it. Charter Fisherman, could you look a little waxier? No...no. Give me a little more 'special needs'...perfect!" 

     

I suddenly miss my hamster. 

   The Derek Vinyard-Billy Crystal fight never did live up to the hype.

Drink it, dummy! You live in a desert, for Christ's sake!

Say what you will about his Senior picture, but Andy here killed a lot fewer people than you'd think.

I really thought George Wendt had more dignity than this. 

 

It's not as bad as you think. The kid's dead.

Which one's Mr. Lee? Not so fast, bigot...

Think this is bad? Imagine if you only had three bullets...

Phrases we don't need anymore, Part 1

    

    Did you ever hear a popular phrase, let it really sink in, and realize that it makes absolutely no sense? Did it ever piss you off that you can't be the only one it doesn't make sense to, yet it remains in the common vernacular and has for generations? Well it does for us, so we here at PFTS have decided to make a list of those phrases or sayings that should be raised to the rafters...or buried face-down and micturated upon in as disrespectful a way as possible. 

1.) "Slow and steady wins the race."

         Does it? Tell that to anyone who put up a bad 40-time at the NFL Combine. Two tenths of a second drops them three rounds and costs them about a million dollars in guaranteed money. I've also never seen a person power-walk and win a marathon, either. Not even a Kenyan.

2.) "He/she/we gave 110%"
         How does this one work exactly? How can there be more than the whole of something? If you gave "110%", that is literally you and a clone of yourself that you cut into 10 equal parts and brought one along with you. I guess wrapped in newspaper. Remember newspapers? Remember when the Sunday Sports section was shitter-worthy and not 3.5 pages of AP filler? But I digress. Where were we? Ah yes, giving 110%.
       It's the same thing for people who rate items or experiences on a scale of 1 to 10 as being an emphatic "20!" Clearly you don't know how the scale system functions. It really reflects poorly on your ability to exist in the realm of logic and absolutes. It also makes me want to play you in Trivial Pursuit. It'd be a rare opportunity to use the word 'drubbing'.


3.) "Really?"
           This one is just about ready for the bin. The sarcastic reply to a somewhat surprising statement or action. "Really?" 
        I admit that I was on board with this from Jump Street, thinking it as clever or well-placed as anyone else did at the time. Then the last eighteen months it spread like Mutaba in Cedar Creek(Yep, Outbreak reference). Now its the Soccer Mom's go-to RE her son's muddy cleats on the kitchen tile, the office tech guy's smug muttering to your inability to follow his Beautiful Mind-like scribbles on connecting to and running a video conference, or a girl (who's not as hot as she thinks. Not by a mile.) castrating your notions to buy her a drink.
    The last straw has come as one of the only decent sitcom on network television, ABC's Modern Family, now counts the dickish use of the word "really" as approximately 47% of each episode's dialogue.

    ....this has been a taste of a list that has no end in sight, unless I keel over from another massive coronary tonight. One cold day already has me wanting to say "if only..."